George (Osprey) Bergin – Author / Storyteller
Prolific author / storyteller who entertained so many of us over the years with his creative... View more
Organizer:
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Good Mexican Whiskey
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Good Mexican Whiskey
“Maha Mash”
By George BerginThe address, the addressee, on the center of the envelope was formal:
The Honorable Senator C.R. Chastain, D. Tennessee
4330 Woodberry Lane
Jackson, Tennessee 90435The greeting, the letter was informal; off the cuff:
Hey, big brother. How they treating you?
Just got off the plane from Mexico. I’m pumped. Had to get this out to you right away. I think I’ve swerved into something that we could both make some big bucks on. Keep this stuff under your hat for awhile until I have time to do some more research. WHISKEY. Mexican corn whiskey. That surprise you? Me too. Everybody thinks about Tequila when it comes to Mexico. Well, they do export a lot of Tequila. AND, they grow a lot of corn.
Here’s how I stumbled onto this. For the last year I’ve been selling payphones like hotcakes, the money has been rolling in. About three months ago the district attorneys for Dade and Broward Counties moved in and shut me down. I don’t have the time or the patience to appeal right now — I guess Florida’s about the only place where they didn’t get the word on Deregulation.
Anyway, just as the whole thing was beginning to be a big pain, I won a cruise. Yeah, a Caribbean Cruise, a promotion at Ralph’s market, where I shop a lot, in Fort Lauderdale. On the cruise I met this great gal, Maria, a widow; she’s Mexican, originally from a place called Oaxaca. Her husband was a Kraut, Carl Wittnauer, a Caterpillar Tractor dealer in Kansas.
We had such a good time on the cruise she invited me to join her on a trip around Mexico. She’s a few years older than me but she looks really young. We had a wonderful time. We did the whole Mexico City thing; the gardens, the museums.
She’d make a helluva tour guide.
Naturally I was interested in the Cortez thing, the Maya (her great-grandmother was pure Maya) and Maria took me through the whole history at the museum. That’s where I learned about Pulque. Pulque is a milky kind of booze made from cactus. It’s the first thing that comes out if you cook and distill the juice from a cactus called Agave.
The Spaniards thought that Pulque was the only booze used by the Indians. It doesn’t have much of a kick; about 50 proof is the best you get. When the Spaniards ran out of the booze they brought with them from Spain, couldn’t get a buzz from the sweet, milky brew, they looked around for something stronger.
Here comes the sleeper part. The history books don’t tell the whole story about what happened next. The books say that the Spaniards wanted more potent stuff so they REDISTILLED THE PULQUE AND GOT MESCAL AND, EVENTUALLY, TEQUILA. They could run the Tequila up to over 100 proof.
Maria’s grandfather is still alive, over 105 years old. We went way the hell up in the mountains, the jungle, real primitive areas, found his place, spent some time with the old man. He says some of the Spaniards preferred WHISKEY. They had all the corn in the world, all the people to grow, harvest and distill it, mountain hardwood for barrels, coke, they had it all.
He said that before the Olmecs took over there were corn whiskey distilleries all over Yucatan.
It was only natural that the Spaniards would want to cash in on this smooth, sweet whiskey; send it back on the ships to Spain, make a killing. The King of Spain got word to the Viceroy that not one drop of this whiskey was going to be shipped back to Spain — the introduction would conflict with the goals of Spain’s agrarian reformation. By the time of the colonization of the American west (then Louisiana, Texas, New Mexico) a few distilleries were still up and running in southern Mexico and some on the Gulf around Tampico. The distillers (by now Mexicans, Indians, Maya) tried to sell the sweet mash to the Gringos.
A Royal Flop. The reason: great whiskey, lousy sales skills. I call it the Vanna White Failure. Not enough VOWELS. Over decades, centuries, the distillers continued to name the mash and the blends for the place where the corn was originally grown and harvested, where the whiskey was distilled.
They tried to peddle the booze to Texans with brand names like Oxkutzcab, Tuxtla, Tzibanche. The Texans couldn’t even order the stuff.
Well, Cooter, you and me, we won’t make that mistake. Here’s the plan (as far as I’ve taken it):
1. Maria has the lingo, some cash and lots of connections in Mexico.
2. You (needless to say) have some cash and lots of connections everywhere.
3. I have the plan, the time, the drive and the idea.
4. NAFTA has opened a great big hole for this.
5. We pencil in about 15 percent for Fox, the new Mexican president (you’ll make the deal, quietly).HERE’S THE BEAUTY PART. Once the aged stuff is in the bottle we kick off a KILLER AD CAMPAIGN. The name for the Door Opener: MONTEREY JACK DANIELS, if they make a big fuss in Lynchburg: JUAN DANIELS.
My short list of other possible brand names:
A. MAYA TOMBS (for the aged bourbon fanatics)
B. CHI CHI CHIAPAS
C. VERACRUZ VELVET
D. RICO TAMPICO
E. TRES MARIAS BONITAS (I’ve gotta do this for Chu Chi, Maria, I promised. We could discontinue after awhile if sales don’t come up to par).Cooter, you can see where I’m going with this. The possibilities are endless. Think it over. Think about the potential. Maria and I are headed back to the mainland Mexico to do some more research, look for a plant site, ask some questions about corn. We’ll be leaving La Paz on the 23rd on the ferry to Matzatlan (I’m scared they are going to ding up the new Lexus Maria bought me-[RED]- the way they pack those filthy barges).
Try to get me on the phone before I leave. I know you’re a busy guy but I’m sure you can see what a winner this is and “time is a wasting”.
Love ya guy,
Little Brother Ed
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4 Replies
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“Not enough VOWELS.” Made me laugh, but he’s right.
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This is the first time I’ve seen this – thank you for sharing it! It also reminds me that I should send you a few that has shared with me in the chance that they are new to you.
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I never counted how many he sent me over the years but I need to sort my inbox to arrange them so we can add them, one by one. Please send me any that you have and I can compare with what he sent me.
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“Sweet” whiskey indeed.
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